I think I’m supposed to come up with some sort of list–a year-end list of lessons learned, or milestone moments, or gratitudes, or resolutions, or horrible events, or things to look forward to in the new year. Some sort of list, Top 10 Somethings. At least that’s what seems to be the proper blogging protocol. But see, you all know I don’t do lists well. I just do things when I feel like it, and oftentimes not so well. I’ve been thinking about what to write to end the year to inspire you or make you laugh. I’m coming up empty. So I scour news stories, other blogs, stare at my children, stare at the empty cookie platter…still nothing but indigestion and a bloated stomach.
In my “research,” I noticed there’s a lot of talk about the year’s most over-used words: selfies, twerking, hashtags, etc… I’m middle-aged now, so admittedly not so hip. I try though, usually with sequins or glitter. But I can’t even do any of these over-popularized things right, probably because you can’t bedazzle a hashtag.
I try, and I fail. I apparently have T. Rex arms. I only discovered this deformity when selfies became popular. I can’t take a successful selfie. My arms are just too short. I’m not kidding. And twerking–please. I can’t even Zumba, and you want me to do what?! I’d surely throw my back out again. I think I’m missing an essential joint or two to be able to twerk, but I’m not missing the essential self-respect and common sense that keeps me from being a complete asshat. And hashtags…I have never been delusional enough to believe I was that interesting for anyone to follow my random thoughts and daily activities so my microblogging presence is pretty barren. Plus I honestly have a hard time reading words sans spaces. It takes me a few seconds to re-read what that hashtag is really trying to say. So it’s just not worth it for me.
Mostly though, my difficulty writing an end-of-year post is that I don’t do this sort of thing. I mean I have never reflected at the end of each year about the ups and downs. I have never compiled a list of resolutions for the next year. I don’t believe in things like that. I don’t believe in creating artificial moments in time for self-reflection or self-improvement–I don’t wait for one day to start. I do what resonates when what feels like the time is right. And one of the reasons I’m such a pain in the ass in general is because I’m in a perpetual state of self-reflection. There is no on/off switch to this brain of mine, much like there is no volume control to me.
So I’m back to trying to write a bookend post for the year for you. I keep coming back to the thought that it’s been a busy, good, hard, unexpected year. I dare say most everyone’s 2013 consisted of much of the same–some family issues, ending or redefining some relationships while deepening others, medical issues of some sort, financial stressors, some moments of pure joy and amazement, some “WTF?!” moments, some successes to celebrate, a great pair of shoes for a steal. I think most people can say there was a lot to be grateful for, a lot of lessons learned, some hardships, and a look towards what the next year will bring. I think this summarizes the end of each year for most of us. So I didn’t think there was much to write about in a post–there was nothing different or newsworthy to announce.
So what to say, what to say. I’m grateful for every moment of 2013, for every smile and tear and literal headache. I have no regrets, but I do wish I had gotten my motorcycle license instead of kicked out of class, and I do wish it took something a little less drastic than a traumatic brain injury to teach me to be kind and gentle to myself. But otherwise, it was a really lovely year. I lived it bravely and authentically and vulnerably. I tried many new things, failing at most of them but enjoying each moment. I’ve deepened relationships and forged new ones that have enhanced my soul and widened my life. I’ve experienced more moments of just being, of just breathing.
And I guess that’s what has made all the difference. That’s what I keep coming back to–the ability to have lived 2013 in the way that I did, and being so grateful for all of that, and who I am, comes back to the breathing and the being. And as I’m writing this, I realize this was a really peaceful year for me, even in the midst of all of life’s events and stressors–it wasn’t an easy year by any means. And as I’m writing this, I realize too that this post is not only all about me (not unusual) but apparently for me too in my self-reflection. Sorry, I have no inspiration or words of wisdom or even funny stories for you that come out of this introspection. You’ve scrolled all the way down to come up empty. Sorry, I really did try, but you’d walk off a bit irritated if I simply implored you to just breathe and be.
So I wish you peace. I wish you many moments of peace and joy in the next year. I cannot wish you only the best, because it is from life’s hardships and hurts that peace and joy rises. So I wish you many breaths from which peace is born.