I am ending today’s pity party. We may have one later tonight, or tomorrow, or this long weekend at the beach. But for now, it’s over. Everyone go home. This time my pity party was over a fun date. I’d met someone who I was finally excited to get to know. He is so far fun and smart and honest. We have had a great time together so far.
And this is precisely why I fell into a funk. He, like all of us, comes with some red flags and a bit of carry-on baggage. I’m taking notes for now, wondering how they’ll play out. He also comes with a personality that I really enjoy. I actually like him. And so we’ve seen each other quite a bit of late. After the last date, when he said he had fun, I drove the longest drive home. Feeling so…icky.
I didn’t know why. I woke up still feeling distressed. And when I say distressed, I mean anxious and depressed. I realized I had shown my most vulnerable self to him. And at the time it seemed like a good idea. It seemed like the right thing to do. But apparently it freaked me the fuck out.
I drove home not knowing if I still liked him. Not knowing if he still liked me. Not knowing if I thought maybe I didn’t like him because I was afraid he didn’t like me anymore, and I was protecting myself from rejection. (Did you get that?) When we parted, he didn’t ask to see me again. I’m not sure if I want to ask. If I even want to see him again. If I only want to in order to quell the anxiety of possible rejection. Or if I really don’t like him anymore, or if I do and am just afraid. Or if I just don’t like being scared while waiting to see if I’ll see him again.
So I took the pity party hats and streamers out, and invited a couple friends. They showed up and pointed out I didn’t have a good DJ. So I cancelled my party. I remembered I can be scared and brave. I remembered I do hard things. I remembered I am fabulous. This morning he said he had a great time. Those are the facts I have.
And I want positive things to happen in my life. I must be positive and project positivity.
I will not project shaky sense of self, I will not project neediness. Because I know who I am and I love who I am, soft belly and inappropriate comments and all. I do not need anyone and do not need a relationship. I have fun with him so far. I would like to keep getting to know him so I can be more certain if I like him or not.
All of my fears–all of the fears of his coping mechanisms, his emotional issues, how he feels about me, blahblahblah, can all go live in the basement. I can’t do anything about a fear. What I can do, is I can keep finding out more about him and how he feels and how I feel, but that takes time. Forward movement is required for passage of time. So I move forward. I am going to have a fabulous vacation this weekend, I am going to have fun with my kids and friends upon my return, I am going to work hard at work, I am going to keep talking to him like nothing is wrong. Because nothing is wrong, or at least I have not been notified of such, so I’m going with it. He said he had a great time. Great. He has been very honest so far. Going with it.
I’m remembering to live in the moment. Enjoy the moment. Being brave doesn’t mean I can’t also be scared. There will be plenty of time to be sad if it comes to pass that there is a reason to be sad. Until then, there’s a mojito waiting for me on the sand for a proper party.