You may have noticed I have not written much of late. If you haven’t noticed, I won’t be offended. A little sad, but I understand. I haven’t written because I can’t. My head injury has flared up again such that I literally cannot think. All I can do is rally to show up where I’m supposed to be for work and social and kid events, sometimes smile, and try to be appropriate. I go home having blown my wad, and struggle to do the next day. What I can do is barely tolerate unrelenting headaches and continuous nausea until I vomit. Rinse. Repeat.
So when I say I cannot think, not only can’t I think of a topic to write about, I literally cannot string together a coherent sentence. I can’t even sign my kids into camp without writing gibberish. Thank goodness the teen camp counselors don’t check the sign-in sheet or they’d surely think I was drunk at drop-off. And I assure you, regardless of what my reputation is around town, I am not an alcoholic.
I have seen two neurologists this week and have an appointment to see the surgeon next week. I am on a boatload of meds so I have moments of being able to think now. They’re not even moments of clarity, but it’s so much better than before, when I was hoping to stumble upon a packet of heroin someone may have dropped just for some relief. And I am not a drug addict.
Seeking medical care, and choosing the doctor and course of treatment is a lot like dating. I don’t believe there is one soul mate in life. I believe there are people that you click with and you can have a wonderful long-term relationship with. I believe in deep long-lasting love. But I believe there is the potential for more than one person to fill that role in our lives. I don’t believe there is one right person.
As I navigate the health care system, I realize there also is not one right doctor, not one right treatment modality. Each clinician comes to see a patient through his or her theoretical lens and training, which dictates the treatment plan. So when I seek a second opinion, and the diagnosis and treatment options are at odds–surgery vs no surgery–it’s not that one doctor is wrong. I believe both are right. I just need to listen to my gut as to which doctor, and which theory and plan, resonate with me. They can each be a little bit right. This can be a little confusing, but I think this is Truth.
As such, there is no one Right Man for me. Many men have things that are positive for me, but lately not have resonated with me. They are mostly kind men doing the best they can, also seeking someone they click with. They view the world and choose their behaviors and preferences based on their worldview and upbringing. If I don’t agree with that, it’s not that they are wrong. Just different. This can be exhausting with so many conversations and first dates, but this too is Truth.
I tell my doctors I am seeing other doctors for now–that I’m not ready to be exclusive just yet. I want to be honest, because a guilty conscience weighs heavily on me. For example, I feel horrible when I cheat on my hair stylist. If he or she is a good doctor, he/she will understand. I am weighing my options and letting all the data I’ve gathered settle into me so my gut can guide me. I’ll be ready to see one exclusively soon.
In the meantime, I’m grateful I’ve been underwhelmed by the men who have crossed my path lately. Throwing up on a date doesn’t resonate with anyone.