Hawaii

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Love is like Hawaii. Without the pineapples and shaved ice with red beans and Spam sushi. Without the luaus and sunsets and jet lag. Otherwise, they’re very similar, and coconut bras may or may not play a part in both love and Hawaii.

I used to fall in love often when I was younger. When I say “in love,” I really mean “in lust.” When I say “often,” I really mean “about once a month.” When I say “younger,” I really mean “when I didn’t know who I was.” Now that I’m older and know who I am and what I want, I’m finding that falling in love is much harder to do, and occurs less frequently–as in hardly ever. I miss being in love. Like I miss being in Hawaii.

What I miss most about being in love is feeling safe. And knowing that someone had my back no matter what. The times when I had been wrong, My Love would graciously be gentle and allow me to be wrong, while supporting me. The safety and loyalty is what I miss the most. I’ve felt that twice in my life, and I miss those two things the most when I think about being really in love.

As the years go by, I wonder if I’ll ever feel that experience again. Of being loved. Of feeling safe. Of feeling supported unconditionally. I don’t know. So many perfectly fine men I meet these days underwhelm me. I just don’t know.

And see, I know I love Hawaii. Hawaii is not underwhelming. There’s an experience about Hawaii that I cannot describe, but it’s unlike any other beach or island I’ve been to. I’ve been to Hawaii twice, and would like to go back. But I don’t know if realistically that will ever happen, what with my kids and limited funds.

So being in love is like going to Hawaii. It sounds so nice, but is so far away. I miss feeling not underwhlemed. I miss being in love and being in Hawaii–so wonderful and warm and happy. It makes me smile to think about both. And maybe I’ll never feel that way again. Yet if I think of Hawaii, I don’t think “Oh how sad I may never go back.”

But when I think of being in love, I find that I do sometimes think, “Oh how sad, I may never feel that connection ever again.”

Maybe I need to reframe all this. And just be grateful for any experience that has made me smile. Some people never go to Hawaii. Some people never experience unconditional love and safety. But I’ve been to both places twice now. I’d like to go back.

And really, there’s nothing stopping me from trying to find a way back to a fulfilling relationship or a wonderful vacation, except my attitude and fortitude. So yes, that means I’m back in the saddle, actively back in the dating pool. Hawaii=cocktails. Dating=cocktails. Game on.

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7 Responses to Hawaii

  1. How fun, brave and open hearted. I can relate to wondering if I will ever experience that kind of love. I have been to Hawaii and loved it. 🙂 Good luck in the dating game!

    Liked by 1 person

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