Well, that didn’t last long. In my decision to actively date again, I created a profile on another online dating site. It’s been less than a week and I deleted it already. I just could not take it anymore. At first I thought I was frustrated with being contacted by so many men who were not my type. But then I realized that’s not it. Frustrating, yes. But the thing that really made me feel icky inside and made me delete that profile is the leering.
The leering. The unwanted sexual advances. The thing I hate the most is the objectification and sexualization of my being. That is what I object to. You may say well, you put yourself out there where naturally, physical appearances play a large factor in online dating. Yes, it does. But that does not give anyone the right to objectify me. Were I standing in a coffee shop or bar or bookstore, leering is not an acceptable form of communication or reaching out to me. Just as cat calls as I walk down the sidewalk is not acceptable, sending messages that objectify me is not acceptable.
Thanks for thinking I’m attractive. So nice of you. I actually agree that I’m attractive. But when you approach me initially with “Every inch of you is so sexy, beautiful,” or “I bet you give great massages,” that will only get you deleted. When the majority of messages to me contain these kinds of sexual objectification, methinks this is not a space in life I want to occupy.
Again, I understand and agree that physical attraction is a large component to dating and relationship building. But I don’t want to be someone’s pretty girlfriend, or gorgeous date, or sexy wife. I want to be seen. Not my smile. Not my legs. Not my hair.
I want to be seen as funny and kind and smart and adventurous and brave. I want to be seen as interesting and complex and witty. I want to be seen as opinionated and fierce. This is where online dating fails. It is difficult to portray those qualities on a website. And the internet offers a detachment and anonymity whereupon cowards feel more empowered and brave. They feel emboldened to be disrespectful and lewd.
Dating should be fun. I shouldn’t feel like I need to take a shower to wash the filth off when I log off. I’m on a dating site for God’s sake, I’m not advertising for an escort service on Craig’s List. I love being bombarded with lewd comments, said no one ever.
BonneVivanteLife 
Yuk! As you say, who wants to be objectified? I’d rather be subjectified any day. 😉
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A friend suggested once I should just date body parts–abs…biceps…etc. Perhaps then they’d see what it feels like!
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A friend of mine put her profile up with no picture. She, too, is very attractive … but the reason she posted no pic is because she is employed as a professional in her town and wanted to remain anonymous in that small community. I found myself wondering how that would impact the responses she received.
It seems, without the pic, people were left with the picture she painted of herself with her words. The ‘leerers’ had nothing to pursue. Interestingly enough … she met some very nice people … and … best of all, she is now in a rich and rewarding relationship.
Wishing you the very best … Karen
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Ah, very interesting strategy! Love that! I’ll be honest, I’m a bit surprised by that strategy and how successful it was. I am definitely going to consider that! Thank you!
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You’re welcome! Wishing you the very best … 🙂
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Sorry to hear this happened to you. I’ve heard similar from other women. From my side, I’m disappointed at how seldom women respond to my kind, respectful words of interest on dating sites, even to say they have no interest. It’s a mystery.
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I’ll be honest, I used to try to be kind and respectful by responding to everyone, and politely declining, saying thank you for the interest, etc. More times than not, I’d be met with hostile, angry, aggressive replies challenging me or denigrating me. This is also not uncommon in real life when a woman declines a man’s advances. And apparently it’s not uncommon online either. So I’ve stopped replying when I’m not interested because I don’t feel like exposing myself to such negative energy unnecessarily. One bad apple spoiling the bunch?
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Thanks for helping me understand.
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I know it doesn’t really help you, but thanks for thanking me anyway 🙂
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Actually it does help, though I’m not using any sites currently or dating! 😦
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No frowny face! It is what it is! when you’re ready to do something active, online or in person, you will!
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Over considerable time. I’ve heard a disproportionate share of comments/remarks from people frustrated by online dating. Innumerable, in fact, that they’ve abandoned the approach and found alternatives ways to engage socially. And many are much happier for having stepped into and then out of digital connections — at least of the potentially, intimately intended kind. Why so many feel the need to align with technology when the ways of past decades, if not centuries, still works, amazes.
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Yes, I hear you! I am very social and very active in my work, in my activities, in my community, with my friends, with my children’s lives, etc. At my age, living in the suburbs, it is difficult to meet single men. I am not one to complain about something if I won’t do something about it…so despite disliking the online thing, felt I couldn’t complain it was hard to meet people if I didn’t really try everything. So…it’s another opportunity to meet people I would not otherwise had access to meeting. For me at least. For now at least!
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For you. For now. 🙂
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“I want to be seen.”
Blessings to you as you search for one who Sees with heart, not eyes,
Dani
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❤ Thank you Dani!
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“I want to be seen as funny and kind and smart and adventurous and brave. I want to be seen as interesting and complex and witty. I want to be seen as opinionated and fierce. ”
a) You cannot control the thoughts/perceptions of others.
b) Are you certain you actually have the qualities you want others to perceive in you?
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Thanks, Ouch, for reading and taking the time for such thoughtful feedback! Very good point, that I cannot control how others view me, I do think my issue though are the comments like “Yummy” from a 52 year old executive and father who lives in the suburbs to my picture where I am completely clothed. My issue is I doubt he would say that to my face in a coffee shop, and it’s that kind of behavior online or in person that I object to. As for your other question, yes. I am most certain! 🙂
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