I believe we get the same messages in life until we’re ready to hear them. A few years ago, a friend suggested I try positive manifestations, and understanding you’re deserving and worthy of your goals and desires. Then this week, another friend also talked about positive manifestations, and being concrete about visualizing the details of your end goal. If it’s a beach house you desire, being so concrete and detailed-oriented that you picture the 2x4s.

So my friend suggested I try this for more positive dating experiences since I was having quite the rut with a string of underwhelming men. I thought about it, and I said I don’t know how to picture what “he” would look like physically. So my wise friend tells me to picture who I want to be in the relationship, and how he interacts in my life, like being at my son’s duathlon cheering him on.

Ah….that’s the crux of it. I am stuck right there. Because truth be told, I’ve never pictured anyone interacting with my kids. It’s riskier if my kids are involved in my relationship, because they can get hurt too. And I’m terrified of that. I don’t know if I’m ready for that.

Yes, I do know. I am. Because I can be scared and brave. I didn’t date for 5 years. On purpose. I spent a lot of time figuring out who I want to be. I spent those years forging how my life would look, to feed the needs of my children and myself separately and together as a family. It was a really rewarding and exhilarating time of my life. Then I started dating cautiously. I said I was looking for someone who is kind and respectful and funny and smart; someone I could share my life with. I’ve met some people who were kind and respectful and funny and smart. But see, I never really imagined sharing my kids with them. I guess I never imagined truly sharing my life. I guarded those little beings.

Part of the reason I didn’t date for so long was because I was terrified of hurting my kids or just fucking them up if my next relationship(s) failed. I know how devastating it is for me. I am aware how devastating it can be for the kids.

I’m still learning to accept I do not have control of much in life. I can try my hardest to do the next right thing. But there’s no guarantee any relationship will work out in the end. I have realized also that in the past couple months, I’ve somehow started to hold on again to the societal expectation that I must find a partner. I think this is partly due to my friends frequently asking for details about my dates or comments like “But you’re a catch. You should find someone!” So I’ve taken society’s pressures on as my own. And of course ultimately, I do want a relationship as well.

But somewhere I lost my way and started panicking instead of accepting things for what they are and just Being. So the second I meet anyone I remotely connect with, I have panicked and started acting in ways where I’m trying to force something. Instead of just having fun and seeing what happens, I would be dejected or disappointed that I didn’t click with a date, or I would get very anxious if I did click with someone. I was hyperfocused on the end goal instead of just being in the process of it all. Findsomeone findsomeone findsomeone…. Your friends keep asking for God’s sake, just pick the prize behind Door #2 and go home already.

So I’m going to go at it now with a better attitude. I am going to be proactive and smile and have fun and enjoy learning about people. I don’t want to be a sad or bitter person. I’m going to talk less about the dating fails and the unkind men and the underwhelming men even when friends ask. Because I don’t want to give that energy. I have a fabulous life because I was proactive at it. I need to do that here too. I am going to send positive energy into the world of who I am, who I want to be, and who I want in my life. We are going to continue this fabulous life together.

As for who I end up clicking with, I can’t change what I’m drawn to, but I can control how kind I am, and how kind or mean I allow people to be to me. So I’m looking forward to this practice of being kind, of maintaining boundaries, of meeting new people, and learning more about myself. This Buttercup’s chin is up and looking forward to the next phase of life–I can see it now!