It’s a new year. Have you made your resolutions? You know I do not. That’s just not how I roll. Instead, today, I’m reflecting back on 2015. Two friends, in wishing me a happy new year, said they hoped 2016 will be a better year than 2015. But 2015 wasn’t a bad year. It was just another year. Another year full of laughter and tears and joys and sadness–another year full of life.
So it made me think back about how 2015 went down for me. And I realize my memories of 2015 are full of faces. I’m viewing the last year of my life in terms of my relationships. The friends who have shifted through the years between the different circles of my life. The few who live in my inner circle–they’re my Hide-the-Dead-Body Friends. The second concentric circle of friends are close friends I can confide in (but I can’t count on them to definitely help me hide a dead body and get me out of the country before asking me what happened). Each successive circle contains friends of different purposes, quality, trust. Through phases in life, people move through the circles. This is just another cycle of life.
So I think about who I’ve seen less of this past year, who I’ve confided in less, and why. And it’s ok, I still have fond feelings for them. I still love them. They just sit in another circle for right now; it’s not a banishment or a promotion, and it’s not forever. It just is. I’m just taking note.
I think about the friends who I’ve spent more time with, the friends who I’ve opened up to more. And I’m so grateful for them in my life. For the opportunities to practice trust and authenticity. For the love and trust that keeps me upright and strong.
I think about my family, and how raising a hormonal tween boy has just about been the death of me. I think about how my greatest fears for La Chica and her academic issues have not come to pass; how she and I have both done some hard work and somehow things at school have worked out for her. I think about how my relationships with my siblings continue to remain complicated while I try to strive for Grace and Acceptance. I think about my parents and their failing health, and I try not to think about what that really means.
I think about the men I’ve dated in 2015, and my frustrations and heartbreaks. I think about how I’ve wanted to take my ball and go home but I’ve stayed to do the hard work and take risks. I think about how I figured out–one night when a date stood me up–I had gone on 84 First Dates in less than two years. I think about how absurd that is. I think about how First Date #77 taught me things aren’t always what they seem, and to trust my gut. I think about how First Date #83 makes me swoon and reminds me that I’m messy too. FD#83 and I have had starts and stops, and we’ve sputtered along the way, but so far he makes me smile and I make his heart warm.
I realize the Younger Me used to look at life differently. I measured my life through accomplishments, events, successes. Things that demonstrated forward movement, upward movement, or so I thought. The Current Me looks at life through connections, through relationships, through smiles, and warm hearts. So I’d have to say 2015 was a good year full of that. I wish you a year full of meaningful connections and smiles and warm hearts!