I see Romney’s Binders of Women, and I raise him a Spreadsheet of Men. Sadly, so far none are qualified. I need to reach out to Men’s groups and ask them to compile binders of qualified men. Surely, they must be out there. I have yet to encounter any. There have been a lot of conversations, emails and texts. Some end right after they begin. Others fade off with mutual disinterest. Some have been interesting enough to warrant a few hours and a cute outfit to meet for an actual, bona fide, live date. Here are just a few highlights:

-A date and premature birthday present from a misogynistic, self-centered anorexic
-A JDate profile that yielded only 7 remotely eligible guys (note: I am Christian, and have not converted, and have no plans to convert. This was upon advice from a friend–you know which one you are)
-A conversation about how beautiful a candidate thinks I am, and then he had to go make a chuck roast
-Another candidate’s desire to make me the center of his universe as he would like to stare into my eyes for the rest of his life, but he’s only looking for casual dating
-Double-digit requests for one-night stands
-A swinger who won’t stop messaging me, and he thinks if he reminds me that I don’t have to touch his wife then I ought to be on board with this situation
-No fewer than 5 last minute cancellations/getting stood up
-A ticket to speed dating. Yes, you have to BUY a ticket for this. But wait. It gets better. It’s at…wait for it… TGI Fridays (Friend: you also know who you are)
-A guy who randomly texts me every few weeks to ask me out, then disappears. He has not acknowledged my non-responses are in fact responses
-A couple queries from bisexual men who really think that’s a turn-on for me
-A query from an out of shape 50+ year-old man whose online name is “subservient” and he likes to include several submissive and scantily clad photos. My eyes are still burning a little from the bleach I grabbed to wash the image from my brain

Perhaps I need to enlist Big Bird’s help before he gets laid off.