After my last relationship ended, my friends asked when I would start dating again. I have no idea, I said. Again, I’m not a planner like that. It will happen when it happens. I’ll be ready when I’m good and ready to dive back into the
cess dating pool. A relationship for me is added value in my life–I’m not looking for a “partner in crime” or “soul mate” or to get remarried, so I don’t feel pressured or rushed to do, well, anything. I just really enjoyed feeling happy and joyful to share my life and make good memories within a fun and respectful context. I can’t imagine not feeling that way again. Recently I realized I was ready to create space for that opportunity in my life again. I’m big into creating space these days. It’s very different than in the past when I would try to force events to occur, or make things happen. Now I just want to see what life brings, and that happens when you open yourself and your life to creating space.
So I suppose that means I’m ready. OK, here goes. My friends really enjoyed my previous dating stories. My experiences provide great comedy and amusement. So I offer myself up for their, and your, amusement once again, and am trying to reframe these into Helpful Lessons For the Fellas:
1. Don’t offer to touch me. Please stop telling me when we start talking that you want to kiss or cuddle. Or feel my heart up against yours. Or place other parts of your body anywhere near mine. It comes across as desperate, needy, too much too fast at best; sleazy and dirty at worst. It’s just simply not appropriate, regardless of if you’re looking to just hook up or for a serious relationship.
2. Stop proclaiming you don’t want drama or asking if I’m a Drama Queen. Seriously, do you think Drama Queens own their drama? Part of their drama is that they think it’s always everyone else’s fault. If you can’t see the red flags by now and cut it off before you get immersed in it, her drama is not your primary problem. Her drama does not negate your inability to maintain boundaries.
3. Aggressive pick up lines should not be your first tactic. Someone actually said to me, “You’re hot and you’re cut. You might work out, but do you do laundry?” Yes, I can take a joke, but see, that’s just not funny. It’s obnoxious and offensive. He was serious about this too, and it’s one of the reasons he’s still single. It’s possible to be kind and funny. Otherwise, see this? This is me. Walking away.
4. You’ve offered to be my sponsor? What?! I’m already a US citizen, so I don’t need assistance getting or staying in the country. I’m not a race car driver so don’t need any logos on my car. Wait. a. second…you mean…?? OMG!
5. Be gracious and learn to let go. When I smile and thank you for your attention, that I’m flattered but don’t want to pursue things further, and wish you well…please don’t ask me several times specifically why I turned you down. This “persistance” is now one of those reasons. As in most things in life, the “Why” doesn’t matter much–it just is. Accept it. It becomes difficult to remain gracious and diplomatic when you’re badgering me and not respecting my boundaries.
6. See me. I will not date someone who only dates Asian women. I have always found it creepy and demeaning. By only dating Asian women, you’ve automatically objectified my personhood by heaping stereotypes on to me. You see me as Asian first, and an individual second, or not at all. I want to interact with people who see who I am, and know what I stand for, and how I think, and all the things that make me me.
7. Photos–choose wisely. This is for the online dating folks. Profile pictures of you with your mother (a devoted family man!), you and the deer you just killed (a provider!), or you in a selfie in a public bathroom (huge demerit points if it’s in the stall or at the urinal): these pictures aren’t…never mind. I have nothing to say about this. I just can’t…
8. Speak to me with respect. Is a “Sup??!” supposed to be the suburban version of a city construction site catcall? And did you ever see those to be effective or successful?
9. Avoid the backhanded compliments: “You are remarkable for your age” isn’t really a compliment. At all.
10. I can hear you. At the end of a date, when you say, “That wasn’t that bad,” I heard you because you actually said that. Out loud. To me. I think you meant to text that to your friend when you got back in your car.